Invisible monkeys

I have begun to suspect that invisible monkeys may inhabit my new office 
building. I have yet to see one, but ever day around lunch creatures of 
simian intelligence flock to the bathroom and liberally water the bathroom 
floor. 

I have made it a personal project to reform these primordial beasts and help 
them move into the category of tool-using hominoids. The tool in question 
being a urinal. This is the journal of my continuing progress. 

Experiment 1 Education 

I made a sign enumerating the finer points of trajectory and flow control. A 
small set of experiments have indicated that posting said tract on fluid 
dynamics over the urinal only results in less hose control as the primary 
aiming implements (i.e. hands) are then used to examine the document instead 
of being used to direct flow away from the floor. EXPERIMENT FAILED 

Experiment 2 Motivation 

I then came up with the idea of adding a target to the urinal. Perhaps making 
the user experience more interactive could make the urinal preferable to the 
simplicity and convenience of the bathroom floor. 

For this experiment I used a set of whiteboard markers acquired from the 
deployment lounge to draw a large targeting reticule in the urinal. Preliminary 
experiments were promising, yet repeated applications of the markers were 
required to keep floor viscosity at a minimum. Also repeated requests for 
markers have resulted in loss of store room privileges at work. 

The remaining markers are now locked away and with out additional funding 
the experiment can not continue. I am forced to return the old markers (now 
smelling slightly of ammonia) to the deployment lounge. No one appears the 
wiser. MODERATE SUCCESS 

Experiment 3 Marketing and Sociology 

After having a request for government funding denied on the grounds that no 
invisible simian species exist, I am resorting to private funding since 
government funding. My proposal is to get simian related themes printed on 
urinal cakes in the hopes that the creatures will become intrigued with the 
urinal and possible puzzle out its use. 

Unfortunately my ROI (Return on Investment) estimates were horrid. Apparently 
the simian population (invisible and not) are not a strong marketing demographic.
To broaden my projects appeal I came up with the idea of marketing instead to 
humans and using Sociology to affect the monkeys. 

My new proposal use urinal cakes with the picture of Bin Laden. The monkey 
population may not be entranced but the humans in my building seem drawn to 
the prototype urinal cake 

I am hoping that the repeated demonstrations of the urinal's use combined with 
powerful social factors will help reform the burgeoning monkey population in my
building. 

My new plan was brilliant. Funding arrived from several sources and I now have 
enough change to make telephone calls to several business partners. I spent a 
few hours calling urinal cake manufacturers. 

A few calls later I finally have a business partner who understands my needs, 
he has offered to help me for free for "the good of the cause." Enthralled I 
agreed to his terms. 

Unfortunately licensing issues with the photographer and distribution problems 
have stalled the project. Furthermore my partner left with all my notes and is 
now working as director for a large competitor. 

Undeterred I continue to run the organization in my spare time. Unfortunately 
my attempts to manufacture urinal cake myself fail miserably. My mothers 
biscuits, while the appropriate color and consistency, appear to dissolve 
twice as fast as my larger competitor. Attempts to use 3rd party cakes also 
fail as they repeatedly jammed the printer on both "letter" and "legal" 
settings. I looked briefly for an illegal setting, but no dice. NOT PRACTICAL 
IN THE SHORT TERM 

EXPERIMENT 4 Extermination 

Due to the set failed experiments, I now spend breaks lurking in the bathroom 
with a baseball bat. Hopefully if I take enough of them down the problem will
improve.. RESEARCH ONGOING... 

PS. the printer is still jammed.