Subject:  New Year's Resolutions for Dogs

I will NOT play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.

The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.

I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under
the coffee table.

I will NOT roll my toys behind the fridge.

I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house.

I will NOT eat the cat's food, before or after they eat it.

I will stop trying to find the last few remaining pieces of clean carpet
in the house when I am about to throw up.

I will NOT throw up in the car.

I will NOT roll on or in dead sea gulls, fish, crabs, etc.

I will NOT lick my human's face after eating animal poop.

I will NOT eat any more socks and then redeposit them in the backyard
after processing.

I will NOT wake Mommy up by sticking my cold, wet nose up her
bottom end.

I will NOT chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my
people will think I am hemorrhaging.

When in the car, I will NOT insist on having the window rolled down
when it's raining outside.

We do not have a doorbell.  I will NOT bark each time I hear one on TV.

I will not steal Mommy's underwear and dance all over the backyard
with it.

The sofa is not a face towel.  Neither are Mom and Dad's laps.

My head does NOT need to belong in the refrigerator.

I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches inside for
Mommy's driver's license and car registration.