WOMEN SPEAK IN ESTROGEN AND MEN LISTEN IN TESTOSTERONE By: Matt Groening
     
MATURITY:
Women mature much faster than men.  Most 17-year old females can function 
as adults.  Most 17-year old males are still trading baseball cards and giving 
each other wedgies after gym class.  This is why high school romances rarely 
work out.
     
MAGAZINES:
Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women.  Women's magazines also 
feature pictures of naked women.  This is because the female body is a 
beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and should not 
be seen by the light of day.  Men are turned on at the sight of a naked 
woman's body.  Most naked men elicit laughter from women.
     
HANDWRITING:
To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship.  They just 
chicken-scratch.  Women use scented, colored stationery and they dot their 
"i's" with circles and hearts.  Women use ridiculously large loops in their 
"p's" and "g's". It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman.  Even when 
she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.
     
BATHROOMS:
A man has six items in his bathroom-a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar 
of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.  The average number of items 
in the typical woman's bathroom is 437.  A  man would not be able to identify 
most of these items.
     
GOING OUT:
When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go out. When 
a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she WILL be ready to go out, as 
soon as she finds her earrings, finishes putting on her makeup...
     
CATS:
Women love cats.  Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men 
kick cats.
     
OFFSPRING:
Ah, children.  A woman knows all about her children.  She knows about dentist 
appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods 
and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short 
people living in the house.
     
LOW BLOWS:
Let's say a man and a woman are watching a boxing match on TV.  One of the 
boxers is felled by a low blow.  The woman says, "Oh, gee.  That must have 
hurt."  The man groans and doubles over, and actually FEELS the pain.
     
LAUNDRY:
Women do laundry every couple of days.  A man will wear every article of 
clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight 
years ago, before he will do his laundry.  When he is finally out of clothes, 
he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his 
mountain of clothes to the laundromat.  Men always expect to meet beautiful 
women at the laundromat.  This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs of old 
episodes of "Love, American Style." 

WEDDINGS:
When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the ceremony."  Men talk 
about "the bachelor party."
     
SOCKS:
Men wear sensible socks.  They wear standard white sweat socks.  Women wear 
strange socks.  Socks that are cut way below the ankles, that have pictures 
of clouds, that have a big fuzzy ball on the back.
     
NICKNAMES:
If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle go out for lunch, they will call 
each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle.  But if Mike, Dave, Rob and 
Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other as 
Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Useless. 

EATING OUT:
 and when the check comes, Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20 
bills, even though it's only for $22.50.  None of them will have anything 
smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls 
get their check, out come the pocket calculators. 

MIRRORS:
Men are vain; they will check themselves out in a mirror. Women are 
ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface: 
mirrors, spoons, store windows, Joe Garagiola's head.
     
ADMITTING MISTAKES:
Women will sometimes admit making a mistake.  The last man who admitted he 
was wrong was General George Custer.
     
RICHARD GERE:
Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way.  Men hate 
Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works at the 
health club and dates only married women.
     
MADONNA:
Same as above, but reversed.  Same reason. 

TOYS:
Little girls love to play with toys.  Then when they reach the age of 11 
or 12, they lose interest.  Men never grow out of their obsession with toys.  
As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive and silly and 
impractical.  Examples of men's toys: little miniature TV's. Car phones.  
Complicated juicers and blenders.  Graphic equalizers. Small robots that 
serve cocktails on command.  Video games.  Anything that blinks, beeps, and 
requires at least 6 "D" batteries to operate.
     
PLANTS:
A woman asks a man to water her plants while she is on vacation.  The man 
waters the plants.  The woman comes home five or six days later to an 
apartment full of dead plants.  No one knows why this happens.
     
CAMERAS:
Men take photography very seriously.  They'll shell out $4000 for state of 
the art equipment, and build dark rooms and take photography classes. Women 
purchase Kodak Instamatics.  Of course, women always end up taking better 
pictures. 

MOVIES:
Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is 
because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by a man.  
The only actor who has ever appeared nude in the movies is Richard Gere.  
This is another reason why men hate him.
     
JEWELRY:
Women look nice when they wear jewelry.  A man can get away with wearing one 
ring and that's it.  Any more than that and he will look like a lounge singer 
named Vic.
     
TIME:
When a woman says she'll be ready to go out in five more minutes, she's using 
the same meaning of time as when a man says the football games's just got five 
minutes left.  Neither of them is counting time outs, commercials, or replays.