MOTHER'S DICTIONARY

AMNESIA: A condition that enables a woman who has gone through 
labor to have sex again.

BOTTLE FEEDING: An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2am too.

DEFENSE: What you'd better have around de yard if you're going 
to let de children play outside.

DROOLING: How teething babies wash their chins.

DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

FAMILY PLANNING: The art of spacing your children the proper 
distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.

FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when the baby doesn't 
appreciate the strained carrots.

FULL NAME: What you call your child when you're mad at him.

GRANDPARENTS: The people who think your children are wonderful 
even though they're sure you're not raising them right.

HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

IMPREGNABLE: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

INDEPENDENT: How we want our children to be as long as they 
do everything we say.

LOOK OUT!: What it's too late for your child to do by the 
time you scream it.

PRENATAL: When your life was still somewhat your own.

PREPARED CHILDBIRTH: A contradiction in terms.

PUDDLE: A small body of water that draws other small bodies 
wearing dry shoes into it.

SHOW OFF: A child who is more talented than yours.

STERILIZE: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling 
it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.

STOREROOM: The distance required between the supermarket aisles 
so that children in shopping carts can't quite reach anything.

TEMPER TANTRUMS: What you should keep to a minimum so as to 
not upset the children.

TOP BUNK: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman 
jammies.

TWO-MINUTE WARNING: When the baby's face turns red and she 
begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

VERBAL: Able to whine in words.

WEAKER SEX: The kind you have after the kids have worn you out.

WHODUNIT: None of the kids that live in your house.

WHOOPS!: An exclamation that translates roughly into 
"get a sponge."