THINGS TO SAY WHEN YOU WANT TO BE ALONE ON AN AIRPLANE Yeah, I really miss my wife/husband... but at least I have their skin to remember them by. Have you ever tried cat meat? Check out this infected canker sore in my mouth! I don't know why I ate it - liver and onions always gives me gas. The last time my head rang like this I woke up with a dead man next to me! I puked on the last person who flew next to me. Would you look at the size of the hair I just yanked out of my nose! My psychiatrist says that flying helps offset my desire to mutilate small, defenseless, woodland creatures. The last guy who ignored me is still on a respirator. I haven't changed my underwear in over two weeks! How about you? Can you believe they only gave me three years for killing my own sister?! Is this a great country or what? Hey, does your urine ever turn blue? This cramped fuselage reminds me of solitary. If I go unconscious just stick your finger down my throat - that'll wake me up. Don Knotts is my favorite actor! I work for the city of San Gabriel and I drive a garbage truck. The pilot and I were in the same drug rehab clinic - he was doing much better when I left a couple days ago. I collect aluminum foil. I work in a landfill. I have every album the Bee Gees ever recorded! (turn and snap quick) WHO ARE YOU CALLING A PSYCHO??? (rub stomach) Human extremities do not settle well. Hi. I'm O.J. Simpson Obsession is a strange and powerful master. (then gaze at them until they run) My family tree doesn't fork. When asked, "so what do *you* do for a living?"... answer: "I work for the IRS, I'm an auditor. What did you say your name was again??"