This looks long but it's really not and it's pretty funny.

 Subject: Things I've learned


I've learned - that you cannot make someone love you.  All you can do is stalk 
them and hope they panic and give in.

I've learned - that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.

I've learned - that it takes years to build up trust, and only suspicion, not 
proof, to destroy it.

I've learned - that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After 
that, you'd better have a big dick or huge tits.

I've learned - that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more 
fucked up than you think.

I've learned - that you can keep puking long after you think you're finished.

I've learned - that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are 
celebrities.

I've learned - that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at 
first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its 
place.

I've learned - that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're 
down will be the ones who do.

I've learned - that we don't have to ditch bad friends because their 
dysfunction makes us feel better about ourselves.

I've learned - that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will 
eventually get arrested and end up in the local paper.

I've learned - that the people you care most about in life are taken from you 
too soon. And all the less important ones just never go away.

I've learned- To say "Fuck them if they can't take a joke" in 6 languages.