Things to think about:

 Have you ever noticed....

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 You have to stay in shape.  My grandmother, she started walking five
miles a day when she was 60.  She's 97 today and we  don't know where 
the hell she is.
                --Ellen DeGeneris
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 I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage.
They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
                --Rita Rudner
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I would love to speak a foreign language but I can't.  So I grew hair
under my arms instead.
                --Sue Kolinsky
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I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
                --Carol Leifer
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I have a great diet.  You're allowed to eat anything you want, but you
must eat it with naked fat people.
                --Ed Bluestone
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The second day of a diet is always easier than the  first. By the second
day you're off it.
               --Jackie Gleason
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 I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries."   The
girl at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?"
                --Jay Leno
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The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be
caught dead in otherwise.
                --Roger Simon
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 I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
                --Dave Edison
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If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by
candlelight.
                --George Gobel
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Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt.  Donate it to the Salvation
Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger.
 Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents.
                --Billiam Coronel
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Anybody going slower than  you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you
is a maniac?
                --George Carlin

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
                --Oscar Wilde
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I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I
hate plants.
                --A. Whitney Brown
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If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's
life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if
there is a man on base.
                --Dave Barry
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Suppose you were an idiot...  And suppose you were a member of Congress ...
But I repeat myself.
                --Mark Twain
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Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they
can find Kuwait.
                --A. Whitney Brown
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Maybe there is no actual place called hell.  Maybe hell is just having to
listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating
sandwiches.
                --Jim Carrey
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My mom said she learned how to swim.  Someone took her out in the lake and
threw her off the boat.  That's how she learned how to swim. I said,  "Mom,
they weren't trying to teach you how to swim."

                --Paula Poundstone
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I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use
language that makes him the dominant species on the planet.  That may be.
But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We
aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners.
                --Jeff Stilson
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Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's
how dogs spend their lives.
                --Sue Murphy
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I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something
else.
                --Lily Tomlin
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Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent
image there.  I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it,
maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of
the body before you do the wash.
               --Jerry Seinfeld
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Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm  halfway through my fish
burger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow learner.
               --Lynda Montgomery
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What do people mean when they say the computer went down on me?
               --Marilyn Pittman
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Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but when God
talks to us we're schizophrenic?
               --Lily Tomlin
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When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in the Royal
family knew someone in the Royal family?
               --Robin Williams
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