Guidelines from the Technical Support

 1. Don't write anything down. We can play back the error messages
    from here.

 2. When a tech says he's coming right over, go for coffee. It's
    nothing to us to remember 481 screen saver passwords.

 3. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it
    buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed
    animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and popsicle art. We
    don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a
    fleeting glimpse of yours.

 4. When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's
    keeping you from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't
    get into your mail because your computer won't power on at all.

 5. Don't put your phone extension in your emails to the help desk.
    We need to keep an eye on the address book performance.

 6. When tech support sends you an email with high importance, delete
    it at once. We're just testing the public groups.

 7. When a tech is eating lunch in his cube, walk right in and spill
    your guts right out. We exist only to serve.

 8. When a tech is having a smoke outside, ask him a computer
    question. The only reason why we smoke at all is to ferret out
    those clients who don't have email or a telephone line.

 9. Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up
    and flags it as a rush delivery.

10. When you call a tech's direct line, press 5 to skip the bilingual
    greeting that says he's out of town for a week, record your
    message and wait exactly 24 hours before you send an email
    straight to the director because no one ever returned your call.
    You're entitled to common courtesy.

11. When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's
    electronics in it.

12. When you're getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home, call computer
    support. We can fix your line from here.

13. When you have a dozen CGA monitors to get rid of, call computer
    support. We're collectors.

14. When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on a tech's
    chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the
    problem. We love a puzzle.

15. If you hate your mouse, get some other pointing device and discard
    the manual. We know all the keyboard accelerators.

16. When a tech tells you that computer monitors don't have cartridges
    in them, argue. We love a good argument.

17. When you get a message about insufficient disk space, delete
    everything in the Windows directory. It's nothing but trouble
    anyway.

18. When you get a message about a hard disk controller failure, and
    then you reboot and it looks okay, don't call tech support. We'd
    much rather troubleshoot it when it's dead as a doornail.

19. When you have a tech on the phone walking you through changing a
    setting, read the paper. We don't actually mean for you to do
    anything; we just love to hear ourselves talk.

20. When a tech tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply in a
    scathing tone of voice: "And just how many weeks do you mean by
    shortly?" That'll get us going.

21. If you have a 14-inch monitor that says VGA on it, set the display
    to true color, 1024 x 768. You'll never again have to worry about
    people reading confidential files over your shoulder.

22. When we offer training on the upcoming OS upgrade, don't bother.
    We'll be there to hold your hand after it's done.

23. When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times.
    Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.

24. When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to
    all 68 printers in the branch. One of them is bound to work.

25. Don't learn the proper name for anything technical. We know
    exactly what you mean by "my thingy's outta whack".